Lauren, In Real Life
Breastfeeding… In Real Life
Too bad its not real.
THIS, is breastfeeding, in real life.
The reality is, at first, it’s an incredibly frustrating, frantic, uncomfortable and painful experience. Never did I ever imagine the words “nipple cream” would be so abundant in my vocabulary. Alas, here we are.
Congrats- you’ve just pushed a baby out of your vagina or had your guts ripped open and here you are face to face with the baby you’ve been dreaming about meeting for 9 months. After the initial hello’s and kisses, you are quickly ushered into the reality that is being a newborn parent.
That baby is HUNGRY and somehow, he knows exactly where to find your newly engorged tatas. Getting them into it’s mouth properly, is an entirely different story. Your new baby is searching for food, and his instincts are telling him exactly where to go, so it should be easy right?? Pull the boob out, they’ll find it, latch on, you smile sweetly. WRONG.
Welcome to the fresh hell that is the beginning days of breastfeeding. Not only will your baby have no clue how to get on there at first, you need to practically be a contortionist at times to get yourself comfortable, hold your baby safely, cup the end of your boob in just the right way, all while making sure said massive boob doesn’t suffocate your tiny baby’s itty bitty nose! Did I mention your newborn is shrieking with hunger / frustration. Hearing your baby’s cry prompts your boobs to start making milk, and begins sending it down. Ready or not, here it comes!
Now, your boobs are gushing, milk is getting all over your baby’s face, you’re spilling onto your sheets, it hurts and on top of all that, you’re dealing with a pain you’ve never felt before. Now you’re shrieking and crying in frustration too.
It’s really a lot going on.
My first few days with Jayden, I was SHOCKED at how painful it was. Everyone tells you about childbirth, and how there’s sleepless nights… but why didn’t anyone tell me how awful this was?? I’m here to tell you- stock up on nipple cream and ice packs. It’s gonna be a bumpy road. Literally. Your nipples will crack, you could even bleed. Nobody tells you this. Maybe I’m breaking some kind of woman code of not letting the next generation of mothers know too much, out of fear of them not wanting kids, but I think it’s better to know exactly what you’re getting into. I hate being caught off guard so let this be your warning!
As for the dads- just make us comfortable. Please. Don’t ask too many questions, we have a lot going on in our head. Just know that we ALWAYS need a snack, and we always need water. Make sure we have a phone charger and towels. Hang out with us while we nurse. It gets boring. Really boring.
When you’re breastfeeding your baby, you will spend hours holding them. Make sure you have a basket you can bring or have someone else bring near you full of your essentials like snacks, water bottle, sudoku puzzle, headphones. That baby will nurse and get comfy and fall asleep on you for hours. You might wanna get a neck pillow because you WILL fall asleep in the rocking chair too!
But look, if you’re still reading, it’s because you’re waiting for the good news. And you’re in luck… it does get better. It does get easier. Most likely, you and your baby will grow and connect to understand the process. It WILL become as simple as whipping your boob out and continuing on with your business. I was ecstatic when Jensen learned to nurse while I laid down. It was an absolute game changer when I could pop him in the baby carrier and nurse discreetly. I did it EVERYWHERE!
(*that reminds me- fuck anyone who judges you or looks at you funny. This is your child and nobody else is gonna make sure they eat except you so if someone says something to you, kindly tell them to fuck off.)
Of course, breastfeeding isn’t for everyone. It takes so much from your mental health, your body is literally a slave to the baby. I remember being so jealous of my friend who got a pedicure 72 hours after getting home from the hospital, and I could barely take a fucking shower before he needed to eat again. I had a mental breakdown on my birthday, 5 months after giving birth, because all I wanted to do was go out for sushi with my friends, but he just wouldn’t take a bottle (pro tip if your baby won’t take one, dip the bottle nipple in sugar water! They’ll start sucking for sure!). Many women don’t produce any / enough milk, making it impossible to BF. Formula is JUST as good as BF. My favorite thing I read regarding this is “breast or bottle fed… we’re all gonna knock our kids heads on the car door” and its true. Do not be hard on yourself, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s not worth the stress.
So, now that it’s been a couple weeks, the pain has worn off, you’ve developed a rhythm. You’re comfy on the rocking chair, baby happy on the boppy, boob in mouth happily sleeping. You’re finally smiling sweetly down at your child….
But of course, now you have to pee. Ill talk about the joys of THAT, post childbirth, another time.
Thanks for reading.
-Lauren, in real life.
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